15 Hilarious John Mulaney Quotes That’ll Have You Crying Of Laughter

John Mullaney is best known when he started out as a writer Saturday night live and his comedy specials. He also does a lot of dubbing and other performances, and is generally super funny. The internet is a big fan of him and his jokes, and some of the lines in his comedy special are easy to understand.

Whether he’s talking about growing up Catholic or continuing to think he’s gay, Mulaney has a line that’s sure to make you laugh. We have listed 15 of John Mulaney’s funniest quotes that will make you laugh.

Updated by Hayley Mullen October 1, 2020: No matter what state the world is in, we all need more laughter. It’s healthy, fun, and helps us feel connected to others. John Mulaney is an expert on fairy tales, situations and delivery, and his comedy is both incredibly relatable and more explosive than percussion. For those who haven’t seen all of his Netflix specials or are looking for a particular joke that has become an instant classic, just check out the compiled list below.

“Could be an incubator”

Mulaney has a way of impersonating people that is both funny and charming. In the joke, he talks about his experiences with his wife in real estate, including her bubbly attitude and how she tried to oversell a home that should have been avoided. .

As soon as couples get married (and sometimes even before that), people inevitably start asking about children, if they want to have children and if so, when. Mulaney comments on that, the idea that a committed relationship between people isn’t a family until you have children to support is false, bringing laughter when talking about her experience with brokers.

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“I’m sitting on the bench”

john mulaney sitting on the netflix comedy special bench

A glimpse of John Mulaney’s childhood is always a trip, especially since he himself said “Looks like I’m sitting on a chair in the room and eating salt About 28 years. “It’s a legendary conversation that follows the conversation he had with his father, a lawyer and debate team champion who liked to ‘divide us mentally’,” Mulaney said. one minute.

“Hospitals are a mess”

John Mulaney Comedy Special

Perhaps Mulaney’s most reliable/popular joke is the scene of a horse roaming around in a hospital. Although he never said it directly, it was a neat way of hinting at the political climate and using equally crazy jokes to discuss the unprecedented and crazy. crazy.

Countless views and comments have been made about the political climate in the United States and across North America, but Mulaney has managed to craft a hilariously juxtaposed joke. The whole trip is worth the trip.

“Smart Streets!”

John Mulaney smart street

There’s a lot to love about this one; Detective Bittenbinder’s voiceover, repetitive catchphrase, and Mulaney’s horror of “sub-places,” but it’s its compelling blend of relativity and absurdity that makes it hilarious. Many people in a Western school would bring in loudspeakers to discuss a serious topic like drugs or the dangers of strangers, but Bittenbinder looked like a character from a police TV show watched. too much and don’t care at all. Become numb. Of course, Mulaney’s narration makes it all the more ridiculous, especially when there are so many ridiculous stories about his youth.

‘Hey John, it’s university. you remember? ‘

john mulaney college tuition joke

It’s something millions of young people can relate to. When you’re drowning in student loans and can’t save, your old colleges will knock on your door demanding more money. Mulaney went on to college, which he was fully entitled to because he donated $120,000 of his own money to them.

Anyone who has ever heard from the alumni association will be intrigued by this joke, and considering the $1.56 trillion worth of student debt in the US, there are probably a lot of people who might agree. have a cold.

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“In terms of instant relief, canceling a plan is like heroin”


Things start to change as you enter adulthood. While planning and hanging out is always fun in childhood and adolescence, adulthood can be exhausting.

With all the responsibilities that adults have to shoulder, being able to undo some of them is one of the greatest feelings in the world. Mulaney is able to express that feeling perfectly here perfectly, a bit dramatic.

“13 year olds are the meanest people in the world”

John Mulaney: Comeback Kid – What to Watch on Netflix in November

For many people, middle school is one of the worst times in life. Hormones are raging and the kids around you are mean. John Mulaney brings us back to this dramatic moment in his life with this hilarious quote, which he goes on to say: “Even now, they still scare me because 8th graders make fun of me. you. But the way the teasing is done is very clear. They touch where you don’t like.” Even adults are sometimes afraid of the cruelty and depth of middle school students.

“Now, I’m a Catholic”


This introduction covers many of Mulaney’s excerpts. He often talks about what it was like to grow up Catholic and turns anecdotes from his childhood into hilarious stories that people of all faiths can understand.

It’s one of the things that makes his comedies so great, it’s his ability to make audiences laugh even when their own life experiences are so different from his.

“You have the moral pillar of a chocolate cake”


In his Netflix special, the child is back, Mulaney talked about telling his father he was going to be a Democrat and that he planned to vote for Bill Clinton. The whole story is hilarious and definitely worth a listen. After the announcement, Mulaney’s father told him, “You have the moral background of the chocolate cake.” Even out of context, this line is quite funny and works in many situations.

“Then he ordered me a black coffee and kept driving.”


The story has become somewhat infamous on the Internet. You may have seen people talk about this phrase (or use it in a meme) without realizing it came from John Mulaney. In this segment, he talks about driving with his parents, taking his dad to McDonald’s, saying, “We started chanting, McDonald’s, McDonald’s, McDonald’s! My dad drove by and we started cheered and then he ordered me a cup of black coffee and drove off.”

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This story is hugely entertaining for parents and adults everywhere, and it shows that Mulani’s father was an icon.

“I’m like an iPhone”


Another way for Mulaney’s comedy to be super catchy is to grow older. While college and the early 20s can still be fun and games, Mulaney talks about the difficulties of entering middle age. This whole hilarious quote reads, “I’m like an iPhone that gets worse every year and I get super hot in the afternoons for no reason.” This is easy to understand.

“I’ve been doing a white man thing in Connecticut lately…”

John Mulaney and Naseem Pedrad at Mulaney

Mulaney isn’t shy about talking about social justice issues sometimes, and he often does so in hilarious ways. As a straight white man, he is very conscious of his privilege, and he will joke about it and make fun of all kinds of people.

The line may be short and sweet, but it’s definitely a very funny one, and it’s easy to create your own impression of the event he’s talking about.

“Just because you’re correct doesn’t mean you’re funny”

John Mulaney's precise and humorous comedy special

At times, Mulaney can offer some words of wisdom in all of her hilarious stories. In this particular segment, Mulaney says, “You’re like a kid going back to sleep after midnight, like, ‘It’s tomorrow.’ Get out of here with your technology. Just because you’re accurate doesn’t mean you’re funny.”

It just goes to show that being right isn’t always the best thing, and sometimes literally overstating is just annoying.

“I will leave all my feelings here and one day I will die”


Mulaney has a way of making us all feel a little called. Speaking of which, he’s talking about his Irish roots and how Irish people tend to keep their feelings hidden throughout their lives. Obviously, this is not a good thing to do. While the specific story may be about being Irish, many of us can keep our feelings to ourselves, even at the expense of ourselves.

“Do you remember when you were 12 years old, ‘Nobody looks at me or I’ll kill myself'”


Once again, John Mulaney was able to capture the feeling of coming of age with brevity and laughter. 12 years old is not walking in the park and feeling like you are being judged every day. When you’re in middle school, constantly feeling awkward is just part of the territory. Mulaney can sum it all up in a short but humorous line.

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